Farts are Funny

          

Farts are funny it's a fact. As much as I tell my son off for sitting next to me and farting, I look around to see people who smirk,giggle and just plain laugh their asses off when confronted by the evil noxious invisible gas that can be silent but deadly or loud and proud.

My best friend may not fart in the elevator but if someone does and she notices,she will claim it as her very own while sporting the biggest grin. My son makes fake farts with his hand under his armpit or behind his knee and he's inexplicably amused by this talent.

Back in school there was always the kid when we played Charades who would  give the movie sign hold up 4 fingers to signify 4 words, fart loudly and then leave the room.......Gone with the Wind.

If someone asks "Who farted?" in any setting there will be giggles and remarks, maybe even praise as well as few looks from non approvers.


Farters come in all shapes and sizes we all do it just how we do it differs.

Sleepers  - The people who fart in their sleep and still have a lil chuckle.
Smelly Yobbo - The person who drops a real stinker and says "Sniff it up it's good for ya!"
The Silent ASSassin- This farter will fart silently in a room but is so fragrant all the people will gag while racing for a door or window. This can sometimes be so powerful it will follow the perp from the room.
Flammable Farter- The goof off who grabs a lighter lighting his fart on fire,  also managing to singe the hairs on his ass and gets the occasional blister.
The Ducthy - A favourite of men who fart in bed and then holding the girlfriend's/wife's head under the covers. This act produces screaming,fighting and sometimes retaliation. Pay back can be a real bitch.
The Animal Blamer- The person that farts,stinks and then looks at the dog and proclaims loudly  "You dirty dog!"
 Which farter are you?

A friend once told me about walking through a supermarket and over hearing a little boy in the next isle ask his Dad to buy him some lollies Dad says "No' the kid asks "Why? " and the reply was "Because I am bigger than you and can fart louder than you" I guess that kid didn't get his lollies.

If cows are contributing to global warming due to all the roughage they eat, aren't vegetarians too?

Fart Facts

The average human will excrete about a litre of  fart gas per day.
A burp is a good fart wasted.                                                                           

Fart gas rises as it's hot air.

Women's farts have a  higher concentration of odor-causing gases than men's farts thus making them smellier.

Ringtones have been made from the common fart.

Want to know more on farting? There have been books written on the subject,websites dedicated totally to this humorous bodily function and medical studies dedicated to the humble fart.

Jokes that amuse me

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there.?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers..." I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.

 

How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep. 

Rules for Women

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."