What if? Oh the possibilites

A friend posed some questions to me that made me think and I had to answer them of the top of my head.
My answers could be as short or as long as I felt was right. The only thing was they had to be off the top of my head,with minimal thinking.

So without further adieu here is what I came up with.

1 What would you do if you saw your ex husband again after all these years?

I only plan to see him at his funeral so I'll be the one in the bright red dress doing a little jig and smiling a lot.But what would I do? I'd make sure he was really in the box and that they nailed that fucker shut real tight. I might even slap him to make sure he's not faking.

2 What would you be doing right now if you didn't have kids?

I'd be racking up one hell of a credit card debt traveling the world and behaving badly as I'd have no one I needed to set a good example for.

3 What do you want to be when you grow up?

Patsy from Ab Fab I could totally handle being her. living the high life of young men and liquor. No actually I don't handle hangovers as well as I used to so maybe a relatively sober version. I will speak my mind and not give a shit who thinks what about it. Oh and I plan to out live my ex husband just because I need to see him buried.

4 Do you have any regrets in life?

Showing that one guy I could get my feet behind my ears,I'm still trying to get rid of him. Seriously no, I can't even regret marrying Boris if that disaster never happened I wouldn't have my 3 beautiful kids.


5 Your most embarrassing moment?

Eating a beetroot sandwich with my best friend while watching a Mr Bean episode,when said friend made me laugh so hard I vomited all over her floor. I still can't watch Mr Bean and not cringe with shame.That was a purple pukey mess. I don't have any others I can remember because I was to fall down drunk,people will tell you things I should be ashamed of, but I don't believe it unless they come bearing photographic evidence.

6 How's it been being single for so long?

To be honest I miss regular sex,it was the only thing Boris was any good at. All the ones since pale in comparison,I don't like the old adage " Bad sex is better than no sex at all",ever laid there wondered why the hell does this guy think he's so gifted? when counting sheep was far more entertaining, I have.on the plus side there is no one to ask me what I'm doing,where I'm going or "can you iron this shirt for me?"


7 Do you ever see yourself in a long term relationship again?

Yes if Mr Right comes along I'm more than willing to give it a go, I might even re marry one day, stranger things have happened. Sadly though I can't see this happening anytime in the near future.

8 Younger men, would you do the cougar thing?

No, of course I look and wish I was 15 years younger, they just didn't make them like that when I was young and carefree. I just couldn't do it and I want to be the one with the big strong man looking after me as I've never tried that before and it looks like fun. I don't want to have to act like a baby sitter. So no I'm not cougar material.

9 If you could say anything to any two people without any backlash what would it be?

Even if there was fallout I'd tell my ex husband what a son of a bitch he was ,not for what he did to me,I'm passed that,but for the fact he walked out of the lives of 3 children that are growing up without him. He left them with no contact, emotional or financial support. I would also point out the fact that he has tried to replace them with a passel of brats but guess what asshat there is no replacing perfection.Then just for good measure I'd probably kick him in the balls to make myself feel a bit better. Anyway as I said before I'll see him at the funeral.
As for person number 2 I'd tell her to pull her head out of her ass. Take a look around at the world so she can see whats she's missing by being a self righteous bitch all the time. Life is passing her miserable ass by and she needs a wake up call before she turns into one miserable old lady who is very lonely. I'd make it clear that she has to stop walking over people and that sometimes it doesn't hurt to say a kind word or two instead of running everyone into the ground.


10 Your perfect man?

Perfect doesn't exist so lets say one I could love and learn to live with. He would have to love the outdoors,music and travel. Honesty is everything in my world so he'd have to be that too. Taller than me would be a bonus along with handsome.For once some one to look after me would be nice as I said so he's have to be willing to take up that challenge too.Oh and have a great smile.


11 Your worst trait?

I'm lazy,if there is something I don't want to do I'll put it off or try to find some one else to do it, as long as possible,but if it really must be done I'll do it, I'll just take my sweet time getting to it.

Farts are Funny

          

Farts are funny it's a fact. As much as I tell my son off for sitting next to me and farting, I look around to see people who smirk,giggle and just plain laugh their asses off when confronted by the evil noxious invisible gas that can be silent but deadly or loud and proud.

My best friend may not fart in the elevator but if someone does and she notices,she will claim it as her very own while sporting the biggest grin. My son makes fake farts with his hand under his armpit or behind his knee and he's inexplicably amused by this talent.

Back in school there was always the kid when we played Charades who would  give the movie sign hold up 4 fingers to signify 4 words, fart loudly and then leave the room.......Gone with the Wind.

If someone asks "Who farted?" in any setting there will be giggles and remarks, maybe even praise as well as few looks from non approvers.


Farters come in all shapes and sizes we all do it just how we do it differs.

Sleepers  - The people who fart in their sleep and still have a lil chuckle.
Smelly Yobbo - The person who drops a real stinker and says "Sniff it up it's good for ya!"
The Silent ASSassin- This farter will fart silently in a room but is so fragrant all the people will gag while racing for a door or window. This can sometimes be so powerful it will follow the perp from the room.
Flammable Farter- The goof off who grabs a lighter lighting his fart on fire,  also managing to singe the hairs on his ass and gets the occasional blister.
The Ducthy - A favourite of men who fart in bed and then holding the girlfriend's/wife's head under the covers. This act produces screaming,fighting and sometimes retaliation. Pay back can be a real bitch.
The Animal Blamer- The person that farts,stinks and then looks at the dog and proclaims loudly  "You dirty dog!"
 Which farter are you?

A friend once told me about walking through a supermarket and over hearing a little boy in the next isle ask his Dad to buy him some lollies Dad says "No' the kid asks "Why? " and the reply was "Because I am bigger than you and can fart louder than you" I guess that kid didn't get his lollies.

If cows are contributing to global warming due to all the roughage they eat, aren't vegetarians too?

Fart Facts

The average human will excrete about a litre of  fart gas per day.
A burp is a good fart wasted.                                                                           

Fart gas rises as it's hot air.

Women's farts have a  higher concentration of odor-causing gases than men's farts thus making them smellier.

Ringtones have been made from the common fart.

Want to know more on farting? There have been books written on the subject,websites dedicated totally to this humorous bodily function and medical studies dedicated to the humble fart.