What if? Oh the possibilites

A friend posed some questions to me that made me think and I had to answer them of the top of my head.
My answers could be as short or as long as I felt was right. The only thing was they had to be off the top of my head,with minimal thinking.

So without further adieu here is what I came up with.

1 What would you do if you saw your ex husband again after all these years?

I only plan to see him at his funeral so I'll be the one in the bright red dress doing a little jig and smiling a lot.But what would I do? I'd make sure he was really in the box and that they nailed that fucker shut real tight. I might even slap him to make sure he's not faking.

2 What would you be doing right now if you didn't have kids?

I'd be racking up one hell of a credit card debt traveling the world and behaving badly as I'd have no one I needed to set a good example for.

3 What do you want to be when you grow up?

Patsy from Ab Fab I could totally handle being her. living the high life of young men and liquor. No actually I don't handle hangovers as well as I used to so maybe a relatively sober version. I will speak my mind and not give a shit who thinks what about it. Oh and I plan to out live my ex husband just because I need to see him buried.

4 Do you have any regrets in life?

Showing that one guy I could get my feet behind my ears,I'm still trying to get rid of him. Seriously no, I can't even regret marrying Boris if that disaster never happened I wouldn't have my 3 beautiful kids.


5 Your most embarrassing moment?

Eating a beetroot sandwich with my best friend while watching a Mr Bean episode,when said friend made me laugh so hard I vomited all over her floor. I still can't watch Mr Bean and not cringe with shame.That was a purple pukey mess. I don't have any others I can remember because I was to fall down drunk,people will tell you things I should be ashamed of, but I don't believe it unless they come bearing photographic evidence.

6 How's it been being single for so long?

To be honest I miss regular sex,it was the only thing Boris was any good at. All the ones since pale in comparison,I don't like the old adage " Bad sex is better than no sex at all",ever laid there wondered why the hell does this guy think he's so gifted? when counting sheep was far more entertaining, I have.on the plus side there is no one to ask me what I'm doing,where I'm going or "can you iron this shirt for me?"


7 Do you ever see yourself in a long term relationship again?

Yes if Mr Right comes along I'm more than willing to give it a go, I might even re marry one day, stranger things have happened. Sadly though I can't see this happening anytime in the near future.

8 Younger men, would you do the cougar thing?

No, of course I look and wish I was 15 years younger, they just didn't make them like that when I was young and carefree. I just couldn't do it and I want to be the one with the big strong man looking after me as I've never tried that before and it looks like fun. I don't want to have to act like a baby sitter. So no I'm not cougar material.

9 If you could say anything to any two people without any backlash what would it be?

Even if there was fallout I'd tell my ex husband what a son of a bitch he was ,not for what he did to me,I'm passed that,but for the fact he walked out of the lives of 3 children that are growing up without him. He left them with no contact, emotional or financial support. I would also point out the fact that he has tried to replace them with a passel of brats but guess what asshat there is no replacing perfection.Then just for good measure I'd probably kick him in the balls to make myself feel a bit better. Anyway as I said before I'll see him at the funeral.
As for person number 2 I'd tell her to pull her head out of her ass. Take a look around at the world so she can see whats she's missing by being a self righteous bitch all the time. Life is passing her miserable ass by and she needs a wake up call before she turns into one miserable old lady who is very lonely. I'd make it clear that she has to stop walking over people and that sometimes it doesn't hurt to say a kind word or two instead of running everyone into the ground.


10 Your perfect man?

Perfect doesn't exist so lets say one I could love and learn to live with. He would have to love the outdoors,music and travel. Honesty is everything in my world so he'd have to be that too. Taller than me would be a bonus along with handsome.For once some one to look after me would be nice as I said so he's have to be willing to take up that challenge too.Oh and have a great smile.


11 Your worst trait?

I'm lazy,if there is something I don't want to do I'll put it off or try to find some one else to do it, as long as possible,but if it really must be done I'll do it, I'll just take my sweet time getting to it.

Ode to my Darling Son- Underpants and a Crack Free Home

You my big boy are now 10 years old and I'm surprised you've made it this far living with 3 women.
You still manage to be a boy and do boy things like live on your Playstation and hang out with the giant grease rag dog until you come inside smelling just like he does. I love you to pieces my little man, I knew you were going to be a boy the minute I knew I was pregnant,yeah yeah that's just one of Mummy's many spooky gifts. You are the easiest kid to get to clean your room and make your bed.
I love you even though you broke my tail bone when you were bringing your 12lb self into this world and made sitting one of the most painful things for about 6 weeks.

You make me so proud but you do have a few drawbacks. I have only a few complaints as I will list below.


1.You piss all over the toilet seat, FFS lift it up or if it's an aim control issue sit down like a girl to pee.I'm so sick of having to clean up the smelly miss mess you leave behind when you trot out the door. Do I have to go back to putting ping pong balls in the toilet with targets drawn on them like I did when you were 2? Not to mention you have a penchant for shredding toilet paper when your sitting bored trying to take a dump, this habit annoys the crap out of me because I walk into the bathroom and it looks like a paper shredder threw up.

                                       
Image: Marco Torresin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

2. The fact that I spend a lot of my hard earned money on all different styles of underpants in an experiment to find out what style you will actually continue to wear on a daily basis. Boxers,briefs,Calvin Klein style trunks and still you go commando. Please dude I don't care what style you wear as long as you wear something. I am awaiting the time when your older and you get your dick caught in the zipper and wished you'd listened to me your wise mother. I promise I will laugh my ass off and cackle "Told you so." I may even post the event to Facebook, so lets save the embarrassment by wearing jocks.

3. The taunting of your big sisters. I do understand the need to  tease them, but your not a plumber you don't need to walk around with your ass crack hanging out just to make them scream. I know for a fact you only do it to get them to react and they do every time. As for me if I wanted to see ass crack I'd go and hang out at a construction site. Please make my home a crack free zone.

4. The last thing on Mummy's bitch list honey, is that if you must swear like a sailor please do it where I can't here you, so that I can still live in the fairy world that allows me the illusion that I bought up a well spoken polite son, you know the one where my ass still looks like it did before you and your sisters showed up. I know you use manners everywhere you go, unless you think no one can hear you. Well guess what in my house I hear everything whether I want to or not ,super hearing is just part of being a kick ass mum. This is how I know you use the word vagina as another method to make your sisters scream "Feral" and make my ears suffer from over exposure to high pitched bullshit.


I just got up from my keyboard to get coffee and as I passed your bedroom I looked in at you and your the sweetest dude when your asleep, please try to keep up the good work in your waking hours.

Remember I love you further than my arms will stretch,
Mum x