Ode to my Darling Son- Underpants and a Crack Free Home

You my big boy are now 10 years old and I'm surprised you've made it this far living with 3 women.
You still manage to be a boy and do boy things like live on your Playstation and hang out with the giant grease rag dog until you come inside smelling just like he does. I love you to pieces my little man, I knew you were going to be a boy the minute I knew I was pregnant,yeah yeah that's just one of Mummy's many spooky gifts. You are the easiest kid to get to clean your room and make your bed.
I love you even though you broke my tail bone when you were bringing your 12lb self into this world and made sitting one of the most painful things for about 6 weeks.

You make me so proud but you do have a few drawbacks. I have only a few complaints as I will list below.


1.You piss all over the toilet seat, FFS lift it up or if it's an aim control issue sit down like a girl to pee.I'm so sick of having to clean up the smelly miss mess you leave behind when you trot out the door. Do I have to go back to putting ping pong balls in the toilet with targets drawn on them like I did when you were 2? Not to mention you have a penchant for shredding toilet paper when your sitting bored trying to take a dump, this habit annoys the crap out of me because I walk into the bathroom and it looks like a paper shredder threw up.

                                       
Image: Marco Torresin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

2. The fact that I spend a lot of my hard earned money on all different styles of underpants in an experiment to find out what style you will actually continue to wear on a daily basis. Boxers,briefs,Calvin Klein style trunks and still you go commando. Please dude I don't care what style you wear as long as you wear something. I am awaiting the time when your older and you get your dick caught in the zipper and wished you'd listened to me your wise mother. I promise I will laugh my ass off and cackle "Told you so." I may even post the event to Facebook, so lets save the embarrassment by wearing jocks.

3. The taunting of your big sisters. I do understand the need to  tease them, but your not a plumber you don't need to walk around with your ass crack hanging out just to make them scream. I know for a fact you only do it to get them to react and they do every time. As for me if I wanted to see ass crack I'd go and hang out at a construction site. Please make my home a crack free zone.

4. The last thing on Mummy's bitch list honey, is that if you must swear like a sailor please do it where I can't here you, so that I can still live in the fairy world that allows me the illusion that I bought up a well spoken polite son, you know the one where my ass still looks like it did before you and your sisters showed up. I know you use manners everywhere you go, unless you think no one can hear you. Well guess what in my house I hear everything whether I want to or not ,super hearing is just part of being a kick ass mum. This is how I know you use the word vagina as another method to make your sisters scream "Feral" and make my ears suffer from over exposure to high pitched bullshit.


I just got up from my keyboard to get coffee and as I passed your bedroom I looked in at you and your the sweetest dude when your asleep, please try to keep up the good work in your waking hours.

Remember I love you further than my arms will stretch,
Mum x