Gorgeous Galah

                                                  I will eat you and your little camera too

Meet Gorgeous the Galah he is beautiful to look at and loves a scratch when the mood takes him. He's an endless source of amusement, he has no manners what so ever and it doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest.

He calls it as he sees it if he doesn't like you he'll start out telling you to go home and if you don't leave his line of sight, he'll tell you to piss off. He does bite and his retaliation if you escape his savage beak is to call you a lil bitch. He will suck you into putting you hand in the cage by saying "Hello.Scratch?" then he moves like lightening to latch on to your finger, so far no blood has been drawn. After you escape with your finger he'll say "HA HA" just like Nelson from The Simpson's.

He will spend hours preening my daughters hair while muttering "bird fresh". He swims in summer in a big blue dish he calls his pool and hangs out in his double rings which he is so proud of owning.

My sister D is always threatening him with galah and pumpkin stew when he's screaming when she is trying to sleep after working night shift.So now he thinks her name is Pumpkin. while everyone else he comes in contact is called Gorgee.

About 3 weeks ago he escaped the big cage he lives in andf I didn't think he'd ever come home my daughter and I spent an entire weekend walking around looking up  calling "Gorg come for scratch" the neighbours must have thought we had gone insane. We could see him in the highest trees laughing at us and saying NO. In the end I resorted to yelling "Come see your Goggy" - The Goggy is Benny the German Shepard he and Gorgeous love each other. So Gorgee  flies in to flea his Goggy and Benny licked him and rolled him onto his back so I grabbed him and carried him back to his cage amid lots of swearing (his).  I still have skin off my knees where I dove on the cement to catch the bloody bird. He's a bastard bird but he's family and I wouldn't trade his smart mouthed biting bird ass for anything. I was so glad to have him home that I took the kids out to dinner to we could celebrate his return.
If he had of stayed free there would be no fingers to bite, no grapes to eat and no people to cater to his every desire.As well as a lot of dangers to face.

                                         Gorgeous hanging in his rings pretending to be shy

A Typical School Morning

5-30 this morning I was awoken by screams,I thought there had been a tragedy but now was only Miss T looking for a hair brush and the screams were those of frustration.

FFS we have at least 11 hair brushes in this house and a few combs and at 5-30am what do you need one for why the hell are you even awake.I muttered as much and rolled over and went back to sleep. Miss T has always been an early riser even if she has been awake until midnight the night before. I on the other hand am definitely not a morning person I'd sleep to 9 at least, if the universe wasn't conspiring against me.

I didn't here anything again until my alarm went off at 7 and T yelled good bye, again I wonder the bus doesn't arrive until 7-45.I know she spends most of the extra time talking to the neighborhood animals like the horses across the road, evidence of this has been the dwindling apple supply.
At 7-10 I drag my darling son out of bed to claims of I don't like school I don't want to go and school is only for dumb ass's. I say fine if it's only for dumb ass's you'll fit right in because you are going to school even if I have to drag you there and tie you to your chair. Miss D is already up and wandering around like a zombie, she's really not a morning person either. D and I wander around the kitchen while bratty son is claiming not to be able to find his shoes.I walked in picked them up tossed them his way and told him he must of had a boy look. A boy look is when they claim to have looked for something but were really just staring at the ceiling for 15mins.
I toss together lunches and make sure they are not left sitting on the kitchen bench.I make them all move towards the car most mornings this involves saying good bye to the birds and hugging the dogs,this morning I was watching close to make sure Par didn't hug the dog,because he's not just a giant German Shepard this morning he's a giant bounding ball of fur and diesel sump oil.I am still trying to scrub the oil stains of my leg where he rubbed it all over me yesterday afternoon before going back to where the truck oil change had been done and rolling in the oil puddle some more.

                                                  The Greasy oil sharer AKA Benny

I finally get them all in the car when Mr P remembers he's left his homework sitting on the kitchen table,I tell him to run back and I'd meet him at the front gates but at all costs avoid the Benny dog that's waiting to ambush him.
At the gate we wait for Mr P to arrive and open it.Once we get through the gate we drive towards town, we don't live out in the boondocks or anything we just live on an acreage when the giant dog can roam free with his boy. I turn on the radio it plays the news,all bad news so I flip to a CD and Trace Adkins fills up the car with "One Hot Mama" and does bugger all to brighten my morning.I feel bad for just pulling on a pair of jeans ,a sweater and my faithful old Nike's. At least brushed my hair.

Anyway we get to school I force kisses upon them, kick them out, tell them I love them and that I'll see them in the usual pick up place this afternoon. Now to go home and dodge the oil dog until my Dad who owns the front half of the dog(whole other story)washes him.

Update Benny has been washed and 20mins after finishing this blog I had a phone call from the school Miss D had thrown up on her teachers shoes and could i please come and collect her.

Farts are Funny

          

Farts are funny it's a fact. As much as I tell my son off for sitting next to me and farting, I look around to see people who smirk,giggle and just plain laugh their asses off when confronted by the evil noxious invisible gas that can be silent but deadly or loud and proud.

My best friend may not fart in the elevator but if someone does and she notices,she will claim it as her very own while sporting the biggest grin. My son makes fake farts with his hand under his armpit or behind his knee and he's inexplicably amused by this talent.

Back in school there was always the kid when we played Charades who would  give the movie sign hold up 4 fingers to signify 4 words, fart loudly and then leave the room.......Gone with the Wind.

If someone asks "Who farted?" in any setting there will be giggles and remarks, maybe even praise as well as few looks from non approvers.


Farters come in all shapes and sizes we all do it just how we do it differs.

Sleepers  - The people who fart in their sleep and still have a lil chuckle.
Smelly Yobbo - The person who drops a real stinker and says "Sniff it up it's good for ya!"
The Silent ASSassin- This farter will fart silently in a room but is so fragrant all the people will gag while racing for a door or window. This can sometimes be so powerful it will follow the perp from the room.
Flammable Farter- The goof off who grabs a lighter lighting his fart on fire,  also managing to singe the hairs on his ass and gets the occasional blister.
The Ducthy - A favourite of men who fart in bed and then holding the girlfriend's/wife's head under the covers. This act produces screaming,fighting and sometimes retaliation. Pay back can be a real bitch.
The Animal Blamer- The person that farts,stinks and then looks at the dog and proclaims loudly  "You dirty dog!"
 Which farter are you?

A friend once told me about walking through a supermarket and over hearing a little boy in the next isle ask his Dad to buy him some lollies Dad says "No' the kid asks "Why? " and the reply was "Because I am bigger than you and can fart louder than you" I guess that kid didn't get his lollies.

If cows are contributing to global warming due to all the roughage they eat, aren't vegetarians too?

Fart Facts

The average human will excrete about a litre of  fart gas per day.
A burp is a good fart wasted.                                                                           

Fart gas rises as it's hot air.

Women's farts have a  higher concentration of odor-causing gases than men's farts thus making them smellier.

Ringtones have been made from the common fart.

Want to know more on farting? There have been books written on the subject,websites dedicated totally to this humorous bodily function and medical studies dedicated to the humble fart.

Get to Know Me

Gone with the Wind is one of my favourite books.Scarlett is a pain in the butt but I love her never give up attitude,she always gets what she wants. I love history and the great plantation houses.

I love music from nearly all genres.


I hate liver it makes me throw up in my mouth a bit just thinking about eating it. Once while staying at a friends house I paid her brother $5 to eat mine.It was a house rule to eat everything on your plate.

 My family I love them but they are a freak show without the tent.Somethings don't need to be changed.

I have lived in every state of Australia.

My biggest fears are crocodiles and clowns,they will both eat you if your not careful.Oh and lets not forget going through labour again.

I believe in the paranormal I've seen to many things not to,it's something I was born with but have never seeked to control and hell yes it can be scary.

 In high school I had a crush Patrick Swayze. The man was hot,hot,hot.

I have never ever cheated on a partner or skipped school.

 When I was a little (aged 4) I  said to a cop "How you going Pig Man?" and stopped my Dad from getting a ticket because the cop almost died laughing. 3 weeks later the same cop pulled Dad over again just to say "Hi"

My best friend and I have driven through a McDonald's drive through in a fake car while making car sound effects.

My first kiss was with a guy named Julian.

I am trying to be a responsible grown up that completes tasks and makes good decisions.I'm only doing this for my children without them I'd probably be out every night making friends and  travelling to distant places on a whim. I'd probably also be hung over at least 3 days a week instead of 3 days a year.

Billy Connolly is my favourite comedian.His looks,his accent and the fact he says "Fuck" a lot when telling a story.How can you not love the guy?

Being a single Mum is my biggest challenge to date. It's scary and rewarding all at the same time.There are days I want to runaway from home but I don't. I do the job 24/7 and just the other day I realised I only have 8 years left until they are all legal adults.

My best friend is crazy and I love her for it.She has made me laugh until I've thrown up.

FACT a burger is not a real burger without beetroot on it.

My Favourite movie quote is from Paul. "Alright Fucknuckles! It's probing time"-Paul the Alien

Divorce is expensive but it's worth every cent. I agree heartily with this statement.

I suck at mathematics when under pressure.

I can drive a stick shift but prefer not to. I'm one who inspired the saying "If you can't find them,grind them".

I sleep on average less than 6 hours a night. This may explain why I can act a bit loopy.

I'm genuinely surprised that my post Elephant Sex has gotten over 500 views.Mind you it hasn't had one damn comment though either.

I hate cruelty to children and animals.

If I told you anything more I'd have to kill you, so I'll leave you to mull this all over.

Now to take blogging seriously

I have been blogging on and off for a while,but now I have time to take it seriously.A few weeks ago I became a member of the unemployed thanks to the Education Department doing some re arranging. So I'm going to take advantage of this time to spend some time catching up on some great books,housework,movies and blogging.

I am pretty new to writing but I'm not new to reading and have become an avid fan of many blogs. All my kids are at school during the day so after I clean up their messes,I'll have time to vent,share my weirdest thoughts and review a few things.

I have a warped sense of humour so please don't say you weren't warned. So now all I have to do is write so  buckle up, enjoy the ride and please keep your hands inside the carriage at all times.

                                                                         

We all have one

I'm sure everyone has one,you know that family member that knows everything and is completely abrasive making everyone around them walk on egg shells. Lucky Lil old me has two and they come as a package deal my sister and her husband.
My sister is the always right part of the package she can do no wrong while the rest of us poor suckers can do no right. She has never experienced the world and her life is very sheltered but she knows everything just ask her.
As for the brother in law well I can understand his lack of social skills when I look at his family but that doesn't give him the right to take credit for other peoples hard work while he's making my younger sister and I look like complete assholes to anyone that will listen. We have put up with him kissing our parents asses for a long time and have tried to ignore the bullshit that flows from his mouth every time he opens it.He's sneaky too, as nice a pie to our faces but behind the scenes he just keeps mowing us down I think this maybe a skill he's learnt from his wife so thinks it's totally acceptable but this morning the asshat had a rude awakening.

I called him at work and let fly about the hours I put into cleaning our pool just for him to come a long and fuck it all up and then when questioned had the hide to say I was the one messing with the chemical levels. While in the middle of my tirade he then asks if I always ring people and abuse them I said "No it only happens after some prick has been making me seem incompetent for years" and continued on to tell him if he wants to be in our family he needs to act like family.
I then had the courage to go and tell my parents that I just ripped him a new one knowing that later he'd be crying on their shoulders.Dad well he just kind of chuckled as Dad is a watcher and sees all but Mum well she's all stressed about any confrontations in the family being a Libra she's a fence sitter and hates any upsets.
It was only 3 months ago when my youngest sister and I admitted to feeling used and abused because no one ever says thank-you for all the shit we do.
If D and I ever  split our guts on what really happens on the property when the owners are away well it would be the beginning of the end. We feed animals that are not ours we take care of things that need to be done,that otherwise would be left undone.While the above mentioned perfect pair take all the credit and get thank-yous.
When D and I moved out of home we never got new furniture given to us we had to make it on our own,but walk into my sisters house and she always has new furniture arriving and she is more than happy to point out it's a thank you gift from our Mum, we try not to let this get to us but damn it's getting kind of hard to ignore. I know for sure that our Dad doesn't know a thing about all the thank-you gifts. D and I would be happy with a verbal "Thanks" but none seem to be coming our way. So as of now I am going to say "No I can't babysit your kid and No I can't feed your dog when your off on vacations the rest of us can't afford".

Looks like I'm done with all the bullshit now I'm just sitting back and waiting for the fallout of my yelling fit that's built up over the last 5yrs when sister dearest steps up to defend her darling hubby. BRING IT ON!

Jokes that amuse me

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there.?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers..." I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.

 

How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep. 

Rules for Women

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."